The 10 Types of Runners

4) The Desalination Machine

I am most amazed by the Desalination Machine who usually tends to be a woman somewhere between middle age and golden age who has in her lifetime somehow developed the "believe it or not" ability to not sweat. In fact not only does she not sweat, but she's so put together with full make-up and hair that often after the race she'll jump into a cocktail dress and waiting limo to attend this or that red carpet event.

To her 13.1 miles or even 26.2 miles of running in the 100 percent humidity of a typical Florida day is nothing to get sweaty about. She can carry on a conversation about her favorite charity or NGO while most of us would be hitting the wall and still have that mysterious clean summer lilac breeze scent waft from every pore of her skin.

5) The Salination Machine

Unlike the desalination machine, this slightly portly gentleman started sweating at the pre-race pasta dinner. By the time the race cannon sounds he's already lost 5 pounds of water weight and created enough salt for the Osmond family Thanksgiving dinner.

Runners beware! If he decides to shake it up a little, you'll know what's it is like to be next to a very salty, very big, and very wet shaggy dog.

The oddest thing about the desalination machine is that you'll rarely, if ever, see him drink anything during the race.

At aide stations he shuns both water and sports drinks like an alcoholic after a long, painful, and intense 10 step meeting. Yet somehow he manages to sweat like Britney Spears at a Baptist breakfast prayer meeting after an all night pantyless party...even well after he crosses the finish line.

6) The High Five Twister

For some unknown reason to me, the High Five Twister is usually a cute and youngish female runner who looks like she wants to high five every other runner that passes her. Typically her elbows are at about (let's call it ear level) and she twists her body 180 degrees with every step she takes.

Honestly, it hurts just to watch the High Five Twister run. But not her. Even though she contorts her spine into the begins of a DNA double helix strand, you'd never know it by the huge smile on her face.

So yes, while her twisting body rotation and her high elbows create little micro tornadoes along the course, her winning smile and happy attitude says, "I'd win this race if it were only measured by the distance traveled from side to side, instead of straight ahead."

7) The Stink Bomber

Sometimes the pre-race morning meal does not agree with the body in motion. I'm sure in the heat of battle we've all squeezed out a little "poot". But not the Stink Bomber. This guy started farting at the age of one has has since gone to graduate school in the fine art of flatulance.

He's a running toxic obstacle to be avoided at all cost. But the problem is that on the typical crowded marathon course you don't know who he is until it is way too late. By the time you are even aware of the danger, you have been skunked and often you can't even tell who "did it."

Even when you can tell who "did it", you are too focused on trying to just cross the finish line.

Beware: The Stink Bomber is well aware of this fact and he'll use it to spread even more stink bombs along the entire course. 

  • 2
  • of
  • 3

Discuss This Article