Cutting calories. Diet pills. Cleansing. In a survey by SELF and CafeMom.com, half of pregnant women confess to disordered eating and body hate.
Kathy is 17 weeks pregnant, and it's making her want to vomit.
It isn't morning sickness triggering her impulse: It is bulimia. And each time she sees her swelling belly in the mirror, feels her clothes growing tighter or thumbs through a magazine and spots yet another pregnant celebrity with a marble-sized baby bump, she wants to throw up again.
Before her pregnancy, Kathy (who asked SELF not to publish her last name) thought she had recovered. Her eating disorder had begun in college, and for seven years, it ruled her life. A voice louder than her own good sense and judgment told her, "You aren't worthy of food. You are disgusting."
"Purging calmed my mind," she admits. "I didn't feel anything for 5 or 10 minutes afterward, and that was alluring when my mind was spinning out of control."
During graduate school for social work, Kathy's obsession with food and weight left little room for studying. "It was taking up 150 percent of my mental capacity," she says. "I thought my eating disorder was going to kill me. I didn't want to leave my house, but I did so that people wouldn't know something was wrong."
Finally, she got outpatient eating disorder treatment at Park Nicollet Melrose Institute in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. Even that step made Kathy feel, perversely, like a failure. "I figured if I were skinny enough, they would have hospitalized me. But they didn't, so I felt that I couldn't even be good at having an eating disorder," she says.
Through intensive therapy and nutritional counseling, Kathy slowly got better. She stopped bingeing and purging, even though she still wanted to. Soon she met the man who would become her husband. Getting married made her feel like a normal, healthy person for the first time in her life. Deciding to get pregnant was another story entirely. "I knew I'd be weighed a lot and that I was going to get bigger, a lot bigger," she says. "I wanted a baby so bad—but the eating disorder side of me really did not want that to happen."
When she got pregnant, Kathy had been in treatment for three years and hadn't purged for two. But at 17 weeks, she feels her hard-won recovery is threatened. "Anytime I eat, my disorder tells me, It's too much; you are going to gain weight; you are out of control," she says. She has to choke down even healthy food, like the bagel with peanut butter she eats for breakfast. "To that, my eating disorder voice says, That's too many calories, too many carbs. It will make you gain weight," she says.
She tries to imagine her growing baby depending on her, even judging her. "I don't throw up because the baby would know," she says. "Everything I do is influencing that baby, and I want it to be healthy. [But] the way my body is changing terrifies me."