On September 14, 2000 we went in for our 16 week check up. We were excited because we knew we were going to hear the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler for the first time. We waited and waited while the doctor moved it across my belly. Nothing. Suddenly, the Doctor said he thought he heard the heartbeat, but wasn’t sure. Just to be sure, he wanted to do an ultrasound. He left the room. Tears filled my eyes. I was so worried. Jorge tried to make me laugh. I silently prayed. The nurse came to tell us that the room was ready for us to do the ultrasound. I lay on the bed and watched the screen with a big smile on my face. The volume was turned off on the ultrasound machine. The room was silent. I told Jorge to come closer so he could see. Then the Doctor spoke, “I don’t have good news.” We couldn’t believe our ears. I let out a cry. This wasn’t happening. It was just a bad dream. He spoke again, “I can’t find the heartbeat.” Our baby, our precious little baby was gone. How could this be? Why was God doing this to us? What did we do to deserve this? We thought we were out of danger. We thought we were safe. All of our hopes, plans, dreams – gone, vanished within one second. A part of us died that day. There is a piece of our hearts that is gone forever.

We named our baby Gabriel, after the Archangel. It has been nine years since that tragic day and it took us a very long time to recover from the pain and the immense loss we felt. No one understood how we could grieve so deeply for a baby we never held or saw. But he was our son and he was growing inside of me and we loved him from the moment we learned of his existence. We had so many hopes and dreams for our soon-to-be little family. It was a very lonely time in our lives. Everyone expected us to just pick up the pieces and try again. Move on. But we didn’t lose a wallet or a necklace that we could easily replace. It was not just a pregnancy we lost. We lost a real live human being that we loved more than we ever could have imagined. No one acknowledged our loss as “real” and certainly didn’t acknowledge that we were grieving parents. They didn’t view us as parents because we didn’t have a baby in our arms to prove it. If we weren’t parents, then what were we and why were we grieving?

Nine years later, we still remember our precious baby boy. He lives in our hearts forever. He will never be forgotten by his mommy and daddy. Gabriel was our miracle. He brought us so much joy in the short time he was with us. He taught us so much. He strengthened our marriage and brought us closer than we were before. He was one of the greatest gifts we’ve ever been given. If it wasn’t for Gabriel, we never would have suffered infertility, we never would have had Daniel, we never would have met the amazing community of bereaved parents who became our close friends. If we had to do it all over again, we wouldn’t change a thing. He was worth every tear and every dark moment. We look forward to someday being together in heaven as the family we were meant to be. Until then, Gabriel, we honor you and remember you always.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, and your baby brother Daniel